Took a crazy step

So, I joined Over-eaters Anonymous. It is embarrassing to admit. But yes, I feel like I have out of control behaviors. I believe that this will help me to change behavior by addressing my real issues rather than just trying to diet. It's a 12 step program just like AA. So far I am still working on step 1 and 2, which is basically just handing everything over to God and admitting you have a problem. I am not one of those people that gorge themselves until they are sick, but I know the type of food I eat is not good for me and I still do it. I am an emotional eater, and I do eat food I shouldn't. I can't do it by myself and need a higher power to assist me. So far since I've started this, I've lost 7 lbs. I changed my eating habits to the high protein diet bc I know this is what my body processes the best. I have PCOS, which means I don't process carbs well due to insulin resistance. But guess what my favorite type of food is...carbs.
Anyway,...one thing I am really learning is that I need to let go of some of the guilt I have had about 'disappointing' others. One part of the 12 steps (step 9)...is that you have to list everyone you have wronged and if you can, make amends. Although I do have a list, most of the things that I think about that trouble me are actually me making a decision that is good for me, but disappointing to someone else. Realizing that a lot of the guilt I have is unnecessary is eye opening. I play the victim really well apparently, and that needs to stop. I need to be ok with myself and the decisions I have made. I am happy with my husband, my job, my education decisions, and the direction I am taking with my life. No one needs to make me feel guilty about these decisions I've made and they shouldn't have that power over me that I feel guilty about pursuing my own happiness. I feel that I am finally getting control over myself. I recommend this program to anyone who feels like their eating is out of control due to emotional problems.

Update

I know I haven't written much lately, but everything is going good. I am currently training my dogs to be therapy dogs and I am finishing up the last week of my BA degree. YAY! I will be starting my master's degree in about 4 weeks. Exciting. As far as my diet, still making small changes. So far I have been adding exercise. I went for a hike last saturday with my sis-in-law and am planning on going every weekend. I have also been taking my dogs for bike rides (they run next to me while I ride...yes...I realize I get the easy seat) three times a week. I am still trying to control sugar intake and white flour intake. I have a doctor's appt for the 15th to try and go over with my doctor other changes I could make. Wish me luck!

Finally Friday

I am so glad today is Friday. LONG WEEK!

So,..tried meditation last night beforebed. It was hard to try and keep my mind quiet, but I really focused on my breathing. After about 8 mins, I did feel empty and ready for sleep. I was pretty tired afterwords. I slept pretty good. I think I will have to make it a pattern.

Has anyone ever noticed how pretty fruit is? I have been eating more fruit lately as part of my diet and I noticed that fruit is especially pretty. I really think God knew what he was doing. It makes sense that something so beautiful is good for you. Just a dorky thought I had.

Trying to make another loaf of wheat bread tonight. Last night I forgot to put the salt in it and it tasted awful! I hope this loaf comes out better. I enjoy making stuff with my breadmaker and it's cool that I know exactly what is in the bread.

Looking forward to this weekend. Homework, house work,...and maybe a movie. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Stress is stressful

Hi there. It's been a while since I've written. I've been making some changes to my diet. I simply just can't do the Atkins diet anymore...I hate too much meat. Now,...I love a good steak every now and then, but I can't do it every day for every meal! So...since I know my body can't handle white flour and certain carbs, Jbob and I went and bought a bread maker. I have to say...it's awesome! I've made loaf after loaf of whole wheat bread with no sugar. High fiber, no sugar, no white flour,...it's wonderful and I don't gain weight eating it. I've been feeling really stressed lately, which is one of the reasons why I haven't written. Sometimes I feel like I can only write when I have something good to share. I don't want to put out that I am struggling with something or having self doubts...or show a weakness. I always put out a front. Just to give an example...my parents didn't even realize how upset I was over a failed adoption experience. My parents came to visit and were like...you seem ok. I almost busted out in tears in the second. no...not everything is ok but I don't put it out there that it isn't. I was thinking about this and wondered if all this internalizing is actually contributing to my unhealthiness.

I suppose admiting that I am struggling sort of shows a sign of strength....right? With Jbob starting nursing school these last few weeks, I have to admit I've had a hard time adjusting. Then, at work I just feel the needs of others are sucking me dry a little. Then, school, cub scouts, and church are just more people pulling me in other directions. I feel like I am trying so hard to meet other people's expectations. But literally, I have very few hours that I can dedicate to myself.
I was considering trying to learn how to meditate. I know that I am always exhausted and I wonder if I'm not sleeping well.

So...now that I've complained and vented...amazingly I do feel a little better. LOL. Here are my solutions:

1. keep the food changes coming up. I am now no longer eating white flour at all. Everything I make is wheat flour. I even made a wheat crust pizza! It was great

2. take vitamins. I need to start taking vitamins again and see if that helps my exhaustion.

3. Make more time for me. Even though the TV is my way to relax, exercising and meditating are probably a better choice. I am going to try to learn to meditate starting tonight. I found a website for beginners...so here I go.

As far as my diet. I have not moved any lower in losing weight...so this month I am at 3 lbs. I think a large portion of this is stress and lack of exercising. However, I do think that the changes I am making will help for a better month in Feb.

My next commitment is to write here...even if I don't feel I have anything positive to share. I think that holding in my doubts isn't beneficial and at least laying them out helps to identify and possibly, someone out there has advice for me.

truck'in

So...I lost three lbs last week. YAY! This week has been rough. I can't seem to get any energy and my throat is starting to hurt today. I am hoping that it is just thirst because I haven't had a lot of water lately, but I'm afraid I'm going to get sick again. I don't even have any sick days at work anymore because I've already suffered through two colds since November. The last thing I need is to get sick again. My doctor said I have a weak immune system...but goodness sakes! To the vitamins!

Why throw the baby in the dumpster?

I heard on the news today that a woman here in AZ threw her baby in the dumpster. Why? I hate this thinking. Here are women like me, unable to have children, that would take that child in a heartbeat, no questions asked. You don't even have to tell me why! Just hand over the baby on be on your way. I don't understand this. I think women like this should be given the death penalty.

Cub Scouts....????

SO exhausted. No time for working out today (except I made my dogs walk on the treadmill while I ate dinner). I got home, had enough time to eat, then had to go to a cub scouts meeting. I've never done scouts before. Don't have kids,...was completely lost. My church asked me to be a Wolf Leader. I have no idea what I'm doing! One day at a time! Anyway, just got home and already have to go to bed so writing a quick note. Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday. I am really tired and a weekend sounds good.